diary

On starting this website

2/15/2025

I have been working on my website basically nonstop since I started it on the 10th! I honestly never thought I would ever want to do something like this. It has been so cool to find joy in coding! I did a little bit of code in the past but I always either felt defeated or bored. But NOWWWW??? I literally could not sleep the first night and stayed up for like 38 hours essentially non stop coding. I have a lot of idea for this website and I am even thinking about what other things I could do with this website! The possibilities are ENDLESS

Pronouns and Gender

6/11/2025 10:14AM

I have been thinking about pronouns and how they/them never felt like a 100% great fit. I would say they/them is still good but not entirely encompassing of my own vision of who I am. I have come across some tiktoks lately about it/its and neopronouns. At first I personally felt icky about them for myself (not about them as a whole) but the more I think about my gender, pronouns and identification as a whole I feel like they/it feels great.
So the reason I had icky feelings about using it/its for me was because it felt degrading and dehumanizing. Now that is exactly why I want to use it/its. Being misgendered is a very dehumanizing experience for the person being misgendered so why not put that shitty feeling in the court of the person misgendering. Why do I have to be the only one who is feeling like shit about it?
But going back to the initial turning point for me with it/its pronouns: The tiktok that got me to rethink about them was showing how someone saw people who use it/its and it was all otherworldly/nonhuman entities and that is PERFECT! That is exactly how I feel. Whenever I speak about my gender I talk about how I don't feel human, rather I feel like me and me is somewhat out of bounds.
All of this being said I am looking into more gender affirming care. I scheduled a hair cut next week for something more masc and weird and I am slowly but surely moving toward getting top surgery. I would love to get it done before 30 (so that gives me 3 years) to get that going.

I am so fucking cool

6/23/2025 12:00PM

a day at the movies - Life of Chuck and Materialists

I got a haircut on the 18th of this month and I have never felt cooler in my whole life. I was kind of scared to get my haircut into a mullet with shaved sides because I felt it was too much and that I wasn't built for it. But boy was I wrong! I feel so fucking cool!!!! I keep catching myself looking at pictures of myself or just looking in a mirror and being struck with awe! I actually just reread my zine (it's linked on the home page if you want to read it!) and at the back of it there is a list of things you can do to make yourself more ''cringe'' and I have done like all of them now. It's been so freeing to just do me and not worry as much about what other people think. So much so that I want to get WEIRDER with my hair and overall appearance! This hairstyle makes it REALLY easy to tell that I am someone who is cool and queer! I think the piercings and tattoos were once that but now with people of all walks of life getting them its much less of a calling card. But this hair??? Yes mullets are just a hairstyle and even conservatives have them but like when do you see a colorful mullet on a conservative? Anyway, I love this hair because it makes it VERY easy to tell when people are going to be cool and someone I want to befriend or someone who is not safe and would bully me. Thankfully I live in an area that is fairly safe; AZ is a purple state but slowly we are turning this bitch blue. The queer community here is growing and I feel that because I'm safer and have the privilege to be able to be myself, I owe it to those who can't.

"A Self-ish Portrait" digital illustration on Procreate

I drew this portrait that is an idealized version of myself. I gave myself top surgery in the image and angel fangs. I have been thinking about getting angel fang piercings, which are just paired vertical labret piercings on the upper lip. I have always wanted to get snake bites when I was younger and I would have gotten them but I know that there is potential, and downright likelihood, that those would cause oral health issues. So I found angel fangs and those go through the lip which means they do not touch the teeth or gums. The biggest thing holding me back is the fucking healing process. That this is so fucking annoying. I think I might get them at my next birthday (or before then) but I think I might wait until then. We'll see what happens.

Coming soon: Blinkies, Stamps and Buttons OH MY!

2/16/2025 12:47AM

I have finally ventured into making my own blinkies and stamps! I plan on making buttons too but I just havent gotten around to actually making them. I so far have made some for Slushy Noobz and The Last of Us Part 2. I want to make some of other properties I cannot find online, or at least I havent found them yet. I know for sure I want to make some for The Walking Dead TellTale series, some life is strange ones that aren't of max and chloe only because where is the love for True Colors and LIS2?????? You know what fuck it im gonna make some for my favorite movies too! Eighth Grade, I Saw the TV Glow, Beau is Afraid, and Queer. I love how much this website has gotten my creative juices FLOWING. I am so happy to see where else this will take me!

I Watched Tv Glow Again

6/13/2025 10:24PM

I just finished rewatching I Saw The TV Glow for the first time in a bit (for me so that's only like 6 months max lol) and the first rewatch after fully deciding on getting top surgery. It's a very beautiful feeling being able to see how much growth I've had in such a short period of time. A year and a month later. I really don't have much to say about it but I wanted to call attention to how much more the time skips affected me in this rewatch. When watching I was reflecting on how for me in my life it felt like I ''wasted'' so many years. And I hesitate to even say wasted because there was a point to them, but ''wasted'' in that I cared too much for my own good and I am having such a difficult time stripping that away. This is more about general self expression and joy than just strictly gender.
I wish it was possible to just stop caring. Like yea I am trying and when I start to get too worried about how others are perceiving me I stop myself by literally just telling myself ''it doesnt matter'' and ''their opinion of me does not impact my life.'' Essentially just gentle parenting myself into not feeling the need to care about others opinions. It's been working pretty well. I've only been actively doing it for the last year and some change and even in this short period of time I have seen significant improvements in my mental state and self expression. I feel freer to do what I want and I think that also helped in this gender journey.

New Hair

6/29/2025 10:43PM

bro just got slimed!

I bleached and dyed my hair again! I did green this time ALL OVER! I was planning on doing majority orange like in the drawing I did in the last post, but at the store I saw this dope teal color and it was EXACTLY the right color for me right now. I REALLY love how it looks and I am so happy I made that split decision at the store. Maybe Ill do orange again eventually but right now Im digging the greeeeeeen.
Ive been playing a lot of hello kitty island adventure and it has been SOOOO fun! I got it in the summer steam sale for like half off and it has been so fun to get on and play for like 30 minutes to an hour or just go all in and play for hours. I LOVE how cute all the characters are. I was never too into sanrio but this game might make me a fan. I am leaning toward keroppi, but cinnamoroll is my basic answer. I love me a cute little frog what can I say! I also LOVE gudetama but I didnt know it was sanrio so I never associated it with that whole group so in my brain it doesnt count.
It has been so much fun having to come onto my computer to be able to post anything on here, since I have to code it in myself. It is not as easy as getting on my phone and hitting post. It makes it feel much more intimate and intentional. Which is a nice change of pace. It kinda takes me out of the autopilot that I can sometimes get into and into the moment. I dont even know if anyone is reading this but hey if you are, youre cool and should reach out! Id love to chat